Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Farts...the new sneeze!



Farts were probably not vilified nor a cause of ridicule until our diet changed drastically in the past couple hundred years. Any population eating a diet with lots of fermentable fibers, be it from meat or plant, would be a population that knows gas. A diet that produces little gas, or intermittent levels of gas with asphyxiating properties, is not a diet that favors good populations of gut microbes. No one cringes and points fingers when a person sneezes, so should it be with the common fart.


A polite person sneezes into the crook of their arm or a tissue clad hand. Random passers-by may say, “Gesundheit,” “Bless you,” or “Mercy!” Our proposal is that farts should elicit the same courtesies from both farter and fartee...


When one feels a fart coming on, it shouldn’t be sphincter-choked out of existence, but it should be let out at a natural pace without worry of odoriferous quality or decibel. A passive observer should, at that juncture, respond in kind with, “Gut bugs!” “Microbes!” or “To fermentation!”



When the stigma of farting is gone, people will be under great pressure to eat a diet that feeds gas degraders and colonocytes, a diet high in fermentables that produce healthy, hearty gas. And, if this day never comes and flatulence remains confined to locked restroom stalls and dingy alleyways, just remember the words of Edward Fitzgerald,

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, moves on.”

So, fear not the breaking wind...don’t apologize for a fart any more than you’d apologize for a sneeze, just move on. With improved health comes great farts, no longer do we need to fear “silent but deadly” instead, we embrace the “loud and friendly!”

Fart Man of Sheshatshit


The Innu are a group of First Nations, located in northeastern Quebec and southern Labrador. They’ve traditionally lived a life in the far north often living off the land and known far and wide as a healthy, fun-loving people with great respect for Nature. The Innu hold onto some of their pre-Christian beliefs, amongst them a deity known as “Matshishkapeu.”



Matshishkapeu, or “Fart Man,” is the spirit of the bowels who speaks regularly with the Innu. Fart Man is a god of humor and seriousness, imparting much laughter but one of the most powerful gods able to control both man and animal. He is omnipotent, always with you, both inside and out. Matshishkapeu can speak, sing, mimic, and predict the future, according to legend.



The Innu of Sheshatshit, Labrador (yes, really!) refer to Fart Man as Matshishkapeu-utshimau (the boss), tshitshue utshimau (the real boss) or mishta-utshimau (the big boss). Fart Man speaks through the anus of the Innu, but often in muffled, unintelligible sentences or words. It’s usually left to a wise elder to translate. Common messages from Fart Man are:

"Goose"

"It's cold"

"One, two, three" (Matshishkapeu can count but no higher than five)

"Fishing"

"Good, good, good..."

"No, no, no"

"I can go right through" [the wall like a ghost]

"The world is soon going to end my son"
To the gut bugs!
Tim

21 comments:

  1. I took it very seriously.... until I saw the tag !!! I fell for it hook, line and sinker. One "Gotcha" to you Tim.

    Jo tB

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    Replies
    1. But the Innu stuff is for real and true.

      Sheshatshit.........you can't make it up!

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    2. Nope...can't make stuff like that up! In fact, I think it was you that told me about this last year, was it not?

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  2. Loved it! Loved the word play. LOL

    "To fermentation" is going to be the new gesundheit in our household.

    Nicole

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  3. "sphincter-choked out of existence" - that's Shakespearean.

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  4. Hi Tim,

    Very clever. This is no April Fool's joke--awhile back you suggested inulin for my horrific digestive issues. Things were so bad in January that I wound up in the hospital, hemorrhaging because I ate turkey two days prior. I was down to eating about five foods. I kept waiting for things to quiet down before trying the inulin. And a little skeptical, because FODMAPs are an issue with me. Was I ever on the wrong track! I started taking it last week. The bleeding stopped within a day or two. I am back to eating all kinds of foods I couldn't, even a week ago. It's nothing short of stunning. I can't thank you enough!

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  5. I think it needs a new name. Farting I hate because it has the sound of eighth grade boys, not to mention adult males in my office. Passing gas - eh. Thankfully most of mine are now non-odiferous, but I am embarrassed... I thought once the gut was in good shape all should be silent. Did I get that wrong? By the way, how about the regularity

    issue, now that we're on the subject even if we weren't exactly. Taking AOR-3 twice a day I go every other day or so. That just doesn't seem to change with all the fermented vegetables and PS I eat. It seems to be a "motility" issue - it's there, just won't motility, to be frank.

    You got me too. Rats!

    Debbie

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    Replies
    1. Debbie, what happens, let's say, if you ate 3 cooked beets for 4 days in a row?

      You can put raw ones in an evening smoothie and see what happens. I can pretty well guess. Mwahahaha! Try raw spinach, pumpkin seeds, cucumber, beets or beet juice, orange plus a bit of water. Report back, eh?

      Delete
    2. Debbie, you might try the suggestions in this video for stimulating the vagus nerve, which in turn stimulates motility.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Am7kr-vP0Ys

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  6. You had me for a while too until I started looking for your sources. Funny!

    A fart story: I like to walk with my headphones in playing audiobooks. Perhaps because of the gut massage, I tend to fart a lot. One day I was particularly gassy. A couple walking their dog started walking the same direction I was. I held them in, hurting a little. I turned a corner, looked behind me, and to my relief they seemed to have gone a different way. I started releasing the pent up gas very loudly. Something made me look behind me. Instead of them going the other way, they had gotten so close behind me that I had looked around them before!

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    1. Wilbur, I stopped farting, like seriously stopped except for right before a BM, after I stopped eating gluten. When I was eating gluten, holy mama! One day my cousin and I were at the supermarket. I let go an SBD except didn't see the guy crouching down restocking the shelf.....so the total fumes erupted at his head height .poor dude stood up and ran. Unfortunately, being entirely uncivilized I turned the corner and laughed.

      Man, I used to fart up a storm in the bathtub. I made so much reverb, my kids came running to find out what the noise was all about. (It's okay, I swear everyone at the YMCA has heard the story. There's no privacy in this world anymore.)

      Mornings were the fart march down the hallway to the kitchen.

      Now? Nada. Ya think maybe gluten isn't the best choice? I don't have celiac but sure have a tough time with gluten. It bloats me and paralyzes the gut, sort of like codeine. Then next morning finally, relief.

      Gluten and me: bad combination.

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    2. The Sheshatshit name and the legend of Matshishkapeu are all real!
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matshishkapeu

      I should have cited that more carefully, there is a link buried to a really cool document, though.

      This whole post is semi-serious, though, I believe. Not all cultures are so embarrassed by burps and farts. I think it is just our bad diet and bad smells that make them taboo anymore.


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    3. Well I guess you double fooled me by making me think it was a joke! Seriously, I think I might see about getting some custom t-shirt made, like I Matshishkapeu or something. Or one of his murmurings, none of which sound like mine. The paper you link is really funny.

      Delete
    4. Oh, I remember my Grandpa would 'let loose' when it was just the boys around, and always say, "Whoops, there." In a somewhat German accent. We would laugh so hard. I still say that on occasion.

      His parents were German immigrants to the US in 1890s, I wonder if there was a basis for him saying that...anyone?

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    5. Boomstadratta boomstadratta boom. Don't bother googling it. I probably don't even have the spelling right. LOL! I think every family has their own linguafranca for farting.

      Delete
  7. If you are into crude humor:

    It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a really bad smell! It's Fart Man!

    http://youtu.be/S3Zq2HzJH6s

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    Replies
    1. We should find out this guy's fiber regimen! Funny!

      http://youtu.be/Ofn8-3SWd8M

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    2. Wilbur, I laughed myself silly with Mr Methane!! Unbelievable that someone can do that on command. The talcom powder bit did me in, I just couldn't stop laughing.

      Jo tB

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  8. Here's a kickstarter for a wearable fart meter

    https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/963861855/keep-track-of-your-gases-with-ch4

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